Eventually I opened our Slack channel to try and message them there, but was by then running a few trains of thought simultaneously, overanalysing my behaviour, not finishing sentences (in reality this probably only lasted a few seconds).
I looked at the Slack chat and the last message on there was,
"He's faffing about with it too much"
Oh my god, they're talking about my MCing in chat, they think I'm doing a terrible job. They're right about it, but now i'm hyper-self-aware. - i'm pretty much having a minor panic attack now.
I'm Playing To Find Out What Happens (When You Have Tunnel Vision).
I'm carrying on. I think we're all pretending everything's ok, just so we can get to a point where they can leave politely.
An hour of this pretence and the session ends, and I breath out for what seems like the first time in over 60minutes. We wrap up quietly and leave Hangouts.
I check Slack and the same message is still there, timestamped 17:53. Two hours before the game started. It was a valid point in a conversation about a completely unrelated topic, hours before.
uuggghhh. what a stupid brain. I feel sick for making myself sick.
And I can't believe i've built trust with these people only to distrust them as soon as I start to feel insecure.
The players are all really nice. And all played openly and well! It was all only inside my head and I expect they would be surprised to read this.
Leap to the worst possible conclusion
Trigger their Darkest Self
Herald the abyss