Got a bit flustered when trying to work out how to private message one of the players, while framing a scene, and stumbled a bunch of times, lost my place. Rambled semi-coherently, becoming more and more self-aware.

Eventually I opened our Slack channel to try and message them there, but was by then running a few trains of thought simultaneously, overanalysing my behaviour, not finishing sentences (in reality this probably only lasted a few seconds).

I looked at the Slack chat and the last message on there was,
"He's faffing about with it too much"

Oh my god, they're talking about my MCing in chat, they think I'm doing a terrible job. They're right about it, but now i'm hyper-self-aware. - i'm pretty much having a minor panic attack now.
I'm Playing To Find Out What Happens (When You Have Tunnel Vision).

I'm carrying on. I think we're all pretending everything's ok, just so we can get to a point where they can leave politely.
An hour of this pretence and the session ends, and I breath out for what seems like the first time in over 60minutes. We wrap up quietly and leave Hangouts.

I check Slack and the same message is still there, timestamped 17:53. Two hours before the game started. It was a valid point in a conversation about a completely unrelated topic, hours before.

uuggghhh. what a stupid brain. I feel sick for making myself sick.

And I can't believe i've built trust with these people only to distrust them as soon as I start to feel insecure.

The players are all really nice. And all played openly and well! It was all only inside my head and I expect they would be surprised to read this. 





Hard Moves:
Leap to the worst possible conclusion
Trigger their Darkest Self
Herald the abyss
 
 
I am European. British. French. If the British vote to say they are no longer European, it is a huge part of my identity redefined.
If the British vote to say they are not European, then I can not say I am British, because that's not what British meant to me when I defined myself as such.
Why is this important to me? i never realised it was before. i guess i never thought it was something that could come into question and so didn't protect against the possibility.
If the British vote to say they are not European, i will get my french passport, to which i am entitled, but it still won't say where i grew up and in what culture or society i invested a large part of my identity.
i have a feeling i'll still be a me in the morning.
 
 
so far, every time i roleplaying game i feel like i learn loads more about How To Roleplaying Game.
Hopefully this won''t stop